Put That Thing Back Where It Came From Or So Help Me
by roxypony
Summary: In a cruel twist of fate, Mika and Kurda end up with a baby girl. Doritos aren't real food and vampire princes aren't actually qualified to change a diaper, believe it or not. [Eventual Murda]
1. Chapter 1

This is a completely random idea I had while iMessaging a Shandom tumblr friend on my 6 hour drive back to school yesterday. Thanks for the input Carrie :)

Oh I ship Mika/Kurda now. Yeah I've been away for quite a while. Actually I think I've always subconsciously shipped them a bit. Meh.

This is also not in the TVF universe AT ALL. This is just some random AU. Also the title doesn't really fit but it's temporary so shh.

* * *

The screams had fallen silent not one hour before the vampires arrived. Prince Mika Ver Leth's small company of soldiers would be the last to cross the threshold of the cozy and tragically isolated woodland cabin.

"We're too late." Mika grunted, dropping the limp drained wrist on which he'd been trying to find a pulse.

"Too late for what?" Kurda replied casually. The blonde was currently (successfully) masking a great deal of frustration with his dark, moody colleague.

"Don't play the fool, Kurda. Even you can admit that this kind of feeding frenzy wasn't necessary. And so disorganized, my gods. If news of this gets out they're going to attract hunters from every direction. Idiots." Mika glared judgementally down at the massacre before them. Half a dozen adult corpses and one that looked no more than 13; all drained of blood and bearing injuries that showed evidence of great struggle.

The slender blonde General could've mustered a diplomatic comment, but it had been a long night (this band of vampaneze was being _particularly _tricky to track down) and he just couldn't be bothered.

"What would you have us do, Sire?" A young vampire spoke up from the doorway. "Are we going to track the vampaneze?"

Kurda looked to Mika; the dark prince shook his head.

"Not this time, Cyrus. I don't think there's much more we can do here." Kurda replied, looking again to Mika for confirmation.

"There's one thing we can do." Mika spoke up. "We'll give them an honourable cremation. Find some dry wood to speed things up; I don't want to be here till daybreak." He ordered the small troop of vampires who were slowly filing into the small house.

"Are you suggesting we burn the house down, sire?" Kurda asked cautiously.

"Not like they need it anymore." Mika grunted. "If anyone finds these bodies they'll go in search of a monster. Humans don't know the vampaneze, it's the vampires they tell stories of. Hunters on our tails are the last thing we need."

"Yes, sire." The lower ranked vampires immediately departed fetched firewood to speed the burning process. No one would ever know what transpired here.

Mika and Kurda stood in pensive silence. For a minute. Two minutes. Three.

"I smell human." Kurda hissed suddenly.

"That's very astute of you." Mika commented wryly, with a downwards glance at the corpses.

"_No,_ Mika. Someone in this house is still alive!" The general insisted, nostrils dilating and eyes darting.

"You're hearing things. We haven't drank in so long your ears are starting to-" But the prince froze before the word was out of his mouth.

Movement; shuffling. Tiny sounds, meek and inaudible to anyone without superhuman hearing, but definite movement just the same. And drawing closer by the second.

Mika wheeled around and whipped his sword out. Kurda grasped the hilt of his own weapon, but did not draw it. The pacifist found it almost comical how tense his fierce comrade was.

And from nowhere, the enemy appeared. Except it wasn't an enemy, it was a stuffed bear. Grubby and ripped and closely followed at a brisk crawl by a tiny blonde girl, probably not even two.

"Oh, _FUCK_." Mika blurted out, the syllable punctuated by the sharp hiss of his sword being slid back into its sheath. He side-eyed Kurda. The blonde looked caught between surprise, relief, and sympathy.

"Mama?" The kid squawked, brandishing her teddy and crawling clumsily into the kitchen.

There was a sharp intake of breath from Mika; beyond the countertop lay what could only be the family of this child, slaughtered and drained. While Mika cringed, Kurda acted. He swept forward and scooped up the intruder before she could see the carnage.

"Dada?" she tried, peering around from atop Kurda's shoulders. Kurda turned so she was facing the other direction. Hugging her bear tightly she didn't seem concerned about the two strangers in her house.

"Your Mama and Dada aren't here." Kurda murmured, an unmistakable hitch in his voice. He locked eyes with Mika.

"_What do we do?_"

"We get rid of it. Drop it off somewhere with other humans." Mika grunted. "It's young, it won't remember anything."

"There's not another human for hundreds of miles around." Kurda shot back, while a sticky toddler hand clawed its way through his hair.

"We take it somewhere where there_ are_ humans." Mika shrugged. "Give it a chance at a normal life."

"She." Kurda muttered.

"Whatever." The prince grumbled. But then his face softened for a moment. "Hey. Get that thing out of your mouth. You don't know where it's been." He stepped forward and gingerly pulled the teddy's foot out of the little girl's mouth. Although well-intentioned, the action was not well-received and was met with a bloodcurdling scream of objection. Kurda quickly returned the bear.

The other vampires came stumbling back into the house looking shellshocked.

"What is that?!" Nathan demanded. Kurda turned and he saw the child. "Oh my gods, they left one alive. But why?l"

"I doubt they knew she was here." Mika explained in a low voice. "The family was probably awake at the time of the attack; why else would they all be in the kitchen? But it's 1 in the morning, so the kid was probably asleep in its room."

"_She_." Kurda corrected again. Mika rolled his eyes.

"The vampaneze would've been too preoccupied gorging themselves to catch the scent of another live human. I don't know why it only woke up now, but we have to do something with it." The prince concluded.

"So we take it to the city? We can leave it at a hospital or a church." Cyrus contributed.

"Yeah. We'd better move. It'll be daybreak soon." Mika replied. "Are we ready to light the house up?"

"Affirmative, sire." said Nathan, matches in hand.

"Then we go."

The vampires left the house as silently as they'd came in. The tiny girl had no idea it was her last time looking up at the familiar blue ceiling. She was only concerned with keeping a tight hold on her bear in case the dark man (who looked a bit like daddy, only much more fearsome) tried to steal it again. She didn't realize that the only home she'd ever known was suddenly a smoking wreck behind her. She briefly wondered where her parents had gone, but it wasn't long before she dozed off with her face buried in the neck of a blonde stranger- who didn't feel like a stranger.

* * *

Yeah this is going somewhere.

I'm done with writing long stupid ANs so all I really have to say is I'm glad you read this and if you have tumblr make sure you follow festivaloftheundead bc the Shandom is actually not dead I promise.

Updates might come quicker for this one cause I have Carrie kicking my ass and she's gonna write some too (she runs the funniest DS blog to ever exist. follow her too: tehcirque)

rxx


	2. Chapter 2

ayyyyyyyyy

* * *

The sun was almost up by the time the vampires reached the outskirts of town. They'd had to walk the last 10 miles because it turned out that two year olds didn't take well to piggyback flitting. Their newest companion had puked all over Kurda's hair and shirt, to Mika's unashamed amusement. It was just the three of them now; the group of soldiers had turned back in the direction of Vampire Mountain shortly after leaving the cabin. But Kurda was determined to see the child off to safety, and Mika felt obliged to make sure the job was done right. The prince couldn't help but feel partially responsible for the fact that the innocent girl had been left orphaned. Vampires did not make it their business to interfere with the feeding habits of the Vampaneze, but their aim had been to track a certain vampaneze named Corbet Skilliter who'd murdered a vampire general several weeks ago. He'd been sighted in the area and by anyone's best guess he'd been part of the pack that ravaged the cabin.

_If we'd done our job better, she'd be home with her family right now, _Mika thought bitterly as he looked down at the little sleeping bundle in his arms. He'd taken over the task of carrying her, seeing as Kurda's shirt was now soaked with baby vomit. The temperature had dropped enough to concern a toddler, so she'd been swaddled in an old shirt Mika had pulled from the bottom of his travel bag. They were walking briskly, searching for accommodations in which they could sleep the day away until the sun went down again. When night was on their side again, they'd find a safe place to leave the orphan before setting a course for Vampire Mountain.

###

"How precious!" the impossibly chipper motel clerk cooed over the sight of the baby whose head was resting in the crook of Mika's arm as though she belonged there. "What an absolute darling!"

Mika forced a smile and tapped a foot impatiently as Kurda paid for the room and signed the papers.

"Hold old is the little angel?"

Fuck if they knew.

"One." said Mika.

"Two and a half." said Kurda at the exact same moment, then exchanged a quick glare. The clerk giggled merrily and inquired,

"And how long have you two been _together_?"

The dark prince and the golden general each launched into a separate and frantic translation of _No oh my god no not like that nope nope nope._ If that had sounded awkward (and it definitely had) the clerk showed no sign of suspicion. In fact, she was so awestruck over the child that she came out from behind the counter for an even closer look.

"You're just the sweetest little thing I ever did see!" she squealed, stroking the wispy blonde locks. "Lovely little Gracie!"

"Who's Gracie?" Mika blurted out. Kurda facepalmed, and right away Mika knew he'd really messed up._ Shit._ This time the lady did look suspicious. She lifted the corner of the pink silk ribbon tied around the teddy bear's neck, on which was clearly embroidered _"for Grace"._

"She _is_ your baby?" Now the clerk looked skeptical and understandably concerned. Once again Mika and Kurda attempted to explain simultaneously. The clerk was only able to catch phrases such as "niece" "cousin" "in-law" and "three times removed".

"Why don't you two take a seat? I'm just gonna make a few quick calls…"

"Probably better if you don't." Mika muttered. Before her human brain could register he was moving towards her she was unconscious, having landed softly in Kurda's arms.

"Warn me next time you gas someone out." the blond grunted, carefully dragging her behind the counter. "Sometimes they die when their heads smack the floor, you know."

Mika wrinkled his nose disdainfully. "She was nosy. Didn't like her."

"She was being _nice, _Mika. Humans like babies."

"She was going to call the authorities!"

"She meant well."

"Charna's guts, don't you get bored of _loving _people all day?"

"No. Don't you ever tire of being a glorified grouch?"

"No."

Kurda _tsked_. "That's not healthy, Mika."

"Shut up and grab the room key."

###

"So your name is Grace." Kurda said conversationally to the little girl who was currently propped up on several pillows. "Pleased to make your acquaintance! I'm Kurda, and this unholy grump is Mika. Can you say _hi Mika?"_

"I'm not completely sure she knows English." Mika snorted. He was lying in the other bed, crunching on a bag of chips he'd procured from the outdoor vending machine. It had been years since he'd tasted such a delicacy.

"We need to feed her!" Kurda yelped suddenly as though he'd been struck by lightning. "We don't know when she ate last!"

"Don't they drink… _breast milk_? Unless you've been holding out on me, I don't see any of that available in this room."

"She's not an infant. She's got teeth." Kurda replied in exasperation. "Some, anyway." he added, examining the tot's mouth.

"Well, in that case…" Mika tossed Kurda a Dorito.

"She can't eat this!" Kurda gasped, scandalized. "This is junk food!"

"Well, the alternative is the emergency vial of blood I've got in my bag but I'm fairly sure there's something ethically wrong with feeding that to a kid."

"I guess we can't have you drinking the nice motel lady's blood now, can we?" Kurda signed mournfully. He held up the Dorito. "Open wide!"

Grace wasn't quite sure what to make of the orange fake-cheese-dusted nacho at first, but she warmed up to it in no time at all, and had soon demolished the rest of the bag leaving Mika in shock.

"Better than breast milk, huh?" the prince commented, crumpling the empty bag and tossing it into the wastebasket. "Not like I was hungry or anything."

"_Mika_." Kurda groaned in a long-suffering tone. "She's a _baby_."

"Baby trumps Prince now?"

"Are you pulling rank on a two year old? _Really?_"

"Would that get me another bag of chips?"

"I'll go get you one if it'll shut you up. Just don't let Gracie roll off the bed." the blond general implored before sliding off the bed and sweeping out the door.

###

Kurda had been gone for over an hour and Mika was ready to rip his hair out, or cry, or chug a bottle of the stuff under the sink. Or all three simultaneously.

The first 5 minutes had been fine. Kurda had left to go to the 'vending machine' (bullshit) and Mika had turned on the TV. He rarely got access to television but he found them entertaining even though he wasn't sure what he was watching most of the time. The first thing on the screen had been a children's show; a gang of middle-aged men singing about such things as vegetables and feelings. Their shirts said _Wiggles_ but their eyes said _help_, in Mika's opinion. Unfortunately for him, Grace took a shine to them and when Mika changed the channel in favour of the morning news, she let loose a cacophony of shrieks that assaulted his sensitive eardrums for 15 minutes before he abandoned his pride and returned to the Wiggles.

So there was that.

Then there came the smell.

He knew exactly what the smell was, and quite frankly he was embarrassed that neither him not Kurda had considered the possibility that their companion was going to need at least one diaper change before they parted ways.

Mika Ver Leth, youngest vampire prince in history, the fearless war hero, spent 10 minutes locked in the bathroom attempting to regain his composure (and take advantage of the fresher air) before steeling his nerves and fiercely marching back out to tackle the situation and hopefully emerge victorious, and clean.

After another 10 minutes, he reduced his hopes to simply _emerging, _because any possibility of cleanliness was long gone. It had gone the same way as his dignity, which had jumped out the window and ran down the street naked.

Kurda returned to a sight which made him freeze in the bathroom doorway, torn between horror and amusement. He settled for pity. Mika was in the bathtub, soaking in a bubble bath which was so dense that he was only visible from the nose-up. Grace had a similar bath of her own, in the sink. And the garbage can was overflowing with the evidence of a botched diaper changing. Kurda had never wanted to take a photo so badly in his life.

The blond raised an eyebrow at his colleague.

"…I tried to change it and I realized we don't have the things." Mika muttered, sounding subdued and battle-weary, like he'd made the trip to hell and back multiple times in Kurda's absence.

"I… oh." Kurda frowned. He just _knew _they'd been missing something… "We have pillowcases." he decided finally. "We'll put something together. That'll have to do till we get her to the orphanage. And… while I applaud your resourcefulness, I don't think a motel bathroom sink is the best place to leave a baby."

"What would you have done?" Mika growled.

Kurda ignored him and scooped the soapy baby out of the sink, cooing gibberish.

"Did that mean ol' prince put you in the sinky-wink? Well wasn't that silly of him! He's a goofy old bat, isn't he?"

Grace made a delighted slurping noise, and attempted to yank Kurda's hair out by the roots. This evoked a pained grimace and a half-assed "No, sweetie. Mustn't pull." from the blond. Mika rolled his eyes for the umpteenth time that day and tried to heave a long-suffering sigh, but ended up with a mouthful of bubbles.

* * *

Sorry for the wait but let's face it, you shouldn't be surprised.

Have a great Christmas, everyone :)

rxx


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